It is crystal ball time again. Time for me to share my predictions for the coming year with the world as I do each December. But this year, things are slightly different. As part of The Local’s generous care in the community programme, I can finally forego my bullhorn and sandwich board.
Instead of standing outside H&M on Strøget, yelling my predictions at random passers-by, glassy-eyed from the half empty bottle of schnapps concealed in the sleeve of my Grim Reaper costume – as is my usual custom – I have been invited into the warm to share my thoughts for 2015 with you here.
So, here we go.
January: Encouraged by the success of E-boks and NemID, the government announces it’s plans to digitalise the education system. Children will no longer be required to attend schools and school buildings will be sold to Claus Meyer to be turned into branches of his much-loved deli-bakeries. “This is a great solution to the future challenges of education in a globalised world,” says Meyer. “Besides, Upper East Side penthouses don’t pay for themselves, you know.” Having been forced to retrain as baristas, the teachers go on strike. “It’s not so much the coffee making that’s the problem,” teachers’ union spokesman Anders Bondo Christensen complains. “But having to draw Helle Thorning-Schmidt’s face in the foam on every latte clearly constitutes a new level of training.”
February: Russia invades Estonia and Denmark’s PM draws a line in the sand. “If they do not immediately withdraw, then Denmark will be forced to write them a very stern letter.”
March: The rejsekort – the electronic train and bus ticket system – continues to suffer from ‘teething problems’, but hey, it’s understandable. It’s only been in the works since 1999.
April: Distraught at the lack of media coverage of his tireless work to bring an end to the suffering of animals not resident in Denmark, the food and agriculture minister, Dan Jørgensen, launches a campaign to find Denmark’s national pork dish. “What is your favourite way with fatty, industrially processed, antibiotic-rich pork products?” he pleads, eyebrows peaking in a manner which he believes endearing but makes him looks like he is singing I Will Always Love You.
May: The general election (call me Nostradamus). Helle Thorning-Schmidt loses but following an expose of Lars Løkke Rasmussen’s free cosmetic dental work and the mysterious death of Kristian Thulesen Dahl – the Danish People’s Party (DF) leader apparently fell from a Bakken roller coaster, which was odd, as Bakken hadn’t even opened at that point in the year – Dahl's replacement as leader of DF, Morten Messerschmidt, takes the reigns as prime minister.
June: Broadcaster DR announces the withdrawal of its bid to televise Hillerød’s Sankt Hans evening over fears of a budget over-spend. The money will instead be used on its new flagship Sunday night TV drama series: ‘The Morten Messerschmidt Story’.
July: The nation is gripped by the latest international handball tournament in which Denmark’s under-fives briefly show promise. The entire nation rallies behind them, and trade and industry grinds to a halt as millions gather in front of their TV screens to watch each match. Denmark is beaten by Norway in the second round.
August: Construction continues on Kongens Nytorv. A spokesman for the Metro pledges that all will be back to normal ‘at some point in someone’s future’.
September: DR launches an all-new satire programme “kind of like The Daily Show” but without the jokes.
October: Following concerns that they are not being properly looked after by society, returning Danish Isis fighters are all given roles in The Morten Messerschmidt Story.
November: Politiken reports outrage among union members that some people on lower incomes can’t afford more than two long-haul holidays per annum and, apparently, according to Buzzfeed, Russia has invaded Estonia.
December: Russia annexes Norway, taking control of its oil reserves and sovereign wealth fund. Its army continues down through Jutland by mistake and thus Denmark also joins the new Nordic-Baltic Soviet Federation. Politiken readers notice a slight broadening of political coverage.
Michael Booth is the author of The Almost Nearly Perfect People: The Truth About the Nordic Miracle available now on Amazon and is a regular contributor to publications including the Guardian and Monocle.